The American Spotlight
by Humanoid Nature
Summary: The Newmans were America's favorite family. They had it all made: lunchboxes, movies, memorabillia, and all the glory that came with it. Yet they corrupted each other to their cancellation. Seven years later, they've come to tie up loose ends.


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THE AMERICAN SPOTLIGHT

PRINCIPAL CAST

LAWRENCE NEWMAN – the alcoholic, cynical father (47)

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ETHEL NEWMAN – the perfectionist mother (46)**  
ELLIE NEWMAN **– the bigshot, egotistic oldest daughter (18)

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KATHLEEN NEWMAN – the punk rocking out of place goth (14)**  
ANNIE NEWMAN **– the parent hating and infamous one (13)

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CARY NEWMAN – the older, down to earth, and sadistically jealous brother (19)

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ETHAN NEWMAN – pessimistic, negative, sarcastic, cynical, hateful. Just like his father. (15)**  
DAVID NEWMAN **– the out of place son, untalented but still the most famous out of all of the Newman children, but doesn't want it… oh, and he's paranoid (12-13)**  
TERRENCE NEWMAN**- the grumpy and senile grandfather with a fortune to split. (68)

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THEODORE MARSCH – the good hearted lawyer who isn't very good at his practice (49)

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JOEL HAILEY – the shy and clumsy prodigy and David's best friend, the one who deserves the spotlight (12-13)

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JEFF HAILEY – Ellie's boyfriend with an attitude (18)

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WINSTON MALLOY – a family butler over the edge (56)

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DR. ARTHUR PHIBES – the family psychiatrist who doesn't even try to help (54).

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STEVEN ASHCROFT – the high strung producer, desperate for one more chance (36)

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ANTON THOMAS – the schizophrenic family cook (37)

The story takes place in Long Island, New York, and NYC, from the seven years ago to the present time. Seven years ago, the time is summer, and the present season is winter. It takes place mostly in the family vacation house in Oyster Bay. It also takes place on a stage, an office and a few rooms.

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ACT I

The Family and The Will

SCENE I

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(At black.)

NARRATOR

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What is family? A word? Not too long ago, not too short ago, somewhere not too far and not too close, was a family. This was not any ordinary family. They did not do ordinary things and have ordinary things, either. They valued money instead of morals. They would rather make a paycheck than make a friend. On the television, they were perfect, but in real life, their lives were completely different from the one on the screen. The children were traumatized and scarred in harsh Hollywood, and their parents and grandparents reaped all the benefits, occasionally working. It's a dirty lie to say that this was an orthodox family. They had their diverse beliefs, and that was not to believe in each other. After all, what kind of a family teaches that the more money you make for your parents, the more they will love you? A band of perfectionists is what they are. Petty criticisms aside, though, it's time to start the story, which all started seven years ago…

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(The curtains open, and it is still at black.)

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ANNOUNCER

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Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, your favorite family for four years running. Appearing in Madison Square Garden for an event so huge, it had to be in Madison Square Garden. International superstars, and the next American phenomenon under the American Spotlight, may I present to you… PERFECTIOMANIA!

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(Lots of applause. Some people begin to cheer as FLASHY, VEGAS STYLE MUSIC comes on. A sign on the stage flashes in neon "The NEWMANS", blinking until it remains still. The crowd loves it, even though the stars haven't come out yet.)

ANNOUNCER

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You know him as the loving father and hardworking accountant from the show "Perfection", here's Lawrence Newman, AKA John Fischer!

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(The spotlight goes to LAWRENCE, who acknowledges the crowd. People cheer wildly.)

ANNOUNCER

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The loving mother on the show, but careful! She has morals too, and she's taken! Ladies and gentlemen, here's Ethel Newman, but you know her as June Fischer!

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(ETHEL joins LAWRENCE on stage, waving to the audience.)

ANNOUNCER

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And the ever fighting but lovable kids… Cary, David, Ethan, Annie, Kathy, and Ellie Newman! 

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(As expected, the kids come out in order of their names. They are young and fresh faced, and all shining in their glory, waving at the audience.)

ANNOUNCER

But you know them as James, Justin, Chris, Lisa, Mary, and Jane! 

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(Everyone lines up in a picture perfect line, boys on LAWRENCE's side and girls on ETHEL's side. They are in perfect order, from oldest to youngest. An uproar of applause comes from the audience.)

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen, the NEWMANS!

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(Amazingly, even louder applause comes from the audience to the point where it seems unbearable. As the applause dies down, LAWRENCE grabs a microphone and clears his throat.)

LAWRENCE

****

Hey, hi. Anyway, us Newmans are very, very excited to be in this town of… the town name being… I'm very excited to be in this… town! 

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(ETHEL leans over to tell LAWRENCE the name of the town.)

LAWRENCE

…Yeah, it sure is great to be here in New York. Well, you probably know us from the show, "Perfection". See, it's great, because growing up, I loved that show… the show with the kids and the two parents… the blended family… the one with Alice. That show that's on Nick at Nite all the time… what's it called?

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(ANNIE walks over to LAWRENCE. ANNIE tells LAWRENCE the obvious name of the show.)

LAWRENCE

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The Brady Bunch. That's the name of the show. Well, I hope you're going ot have a good time with us. We're gonna sing, dance, and have some of you come up here to sing and dance with us… (surly) because we're TOOLS OF THE MARKETING INDUSTRY AND OUR FACES ARE BEING USED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MAKING MONEY OFF LUNCHBOXES! LUNCHBOXES! AND HAVE OUR FACES PRINTED ON MACARONI AND CHEESE—AND—

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(No sound is being heard. LAWRENCE comes out of it. Desperately, CARY takes the mic.)

CARY

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Don't worry, folks, he's just a little stressed out. You see, Father Fischer's boss has made him work overtime for a while. 

ETHEL

****

That's right. So, John, honey, why don't you start the show?

LAWRENCE

(calm again) Yes, let's start with a little number…

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(As soon as he says this, all the children pick up mics, as the Beatles' "TWIST AND SHOUT" starts to play. They are in the middle of the Ahhs when…)

CARY

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(singing) _Ahh…_

ETHAN

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(singing) _Ahh…_

(LAWRENCE starts to stumble around as they sing…)

DAVID

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(singing) _Ahh…_

(At this point, we would expect another "Ahh…", but instead, we hear a loud SCREAM from LAWRENCE, as he falls off the stage. It is followed by an even louder scream from ETHEL. The music continues comically as everyone scatters to find LAWRENCE.)

ETHEL

Where is he?!

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(We see a two PARAMEDICS rushing LAWRENCE's unconscious body off stage.)

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SCENE II

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(Backstage, we are at the dressing room, where LAWRENCE is alive and well, next to his family. ETHEL is staring at LAWRENCE with contempt, holding a pair of glasses in one hand. The children are loudly playing in the background.)

ETHEL

What happened back there?

LAWRENCE

Back where?

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(ETHEL remains quiet.)

LAWRENCE

Oh, you very well know what the hell was going on back there. 

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(The kids start to yell and scream.)

DAVID

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Mom! Cary's pulling my hair!

CARY

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Dad! David's being a brat!

ETHAN

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Mom! Annie's not sharing!

KATHLEEN

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Dad! The milk spilled by accident!

ELLIE

She's lying, dad! She spilled it on purpose!

ANNIE

Mom, Ethan's pulling my hair!

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(After more struggling with the children, ETHEL stands up…)

ETHEL

Kids… SHUT THE HELL UP!

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(The children stop their struggle and sit quietly. ETHEL sits down next to LAWRENCE again.)

ETHEL

You were out drinking again, weren't you?

LAWRENCE

(sarcastically) Oh, really? I didn't notice! I must've been hallucinating, hopped up on some illegal psychotropic substance when I stumbled on stage! 

ETHEL

Oh, oh, I see. Now you're taking your hostility out on me! I'm the one who's responsible for the whole show! And yet you have the guts to criticize ME for your drinking problem!

LAWRENCE

Problem? No, believe it or not, it's not a problem, because I LIKE DRINKING. I'm not addicted to it. 

ETHEL

You have a bottle of scotch next to the nightstand! You treat liquor like children!

LAWRENCE

At least I treat them with respect, you bloodsucking, wallet diminishing leech. At least that I treat my "children" like they were humans, unlike you. No, no, you treat them like employees—no, you treat them like slaves! You treat them like shit, for god sakes! Just something to flush down!

ETHEL

How is drinking helping?

LAWRENCE

It makes me feel a whole lot fucking better!

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(A frightened CARY comes up and clears his throat.)

CARY

Mom… dad… 

LAWRENCE, ETHEL

What?

CARY

Stop fighting! We don't like it when you fight—

LAWRENCE

Shut up, Cary!

ETHEL

How dare you talk to your oldest child in that manner?

CARY

Right, mom.

ETHEL

Shut up, Cary!

LAWRENCE

I smell a hypocrite!

ETHEL

I smell a drunk!

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(THEODORE MARSCH, dressed in an oh-so flashy suit, walks into the room, unaware of what's happening.)

****

THEODORE

People…

LAWRENCE, ETHEL

What is it?

THEODORE

Good news, they canceled the stage show.

ETHEL

How is that good news?

THEODORE

You won't get to embarrass yourselves again. Anyway, pack up, we have to get to the next city in two days. We're going to Sacramento, after that, we're gonna head to the city next to this one.

LAWRENCE

We've started in Los Angeles. And now we're in New York. Now we're going to Sacramento, then back here, to the city next door?

THEODORE

Yeah, ingenious, huh?

LAWRENCE

Whoever planned this deserves to die. We traveled hundreds of miles from Los Angeles just to go back into California again.

THEODORE

Yeah, we are. Can we go now?

LAWRENCE

…Fine.

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(Black out.)

****

SCENE III

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(Still at black.)

NARRATOR (VO)

It's no exaggeration when it is said that Ethel Newman treats her children as dirt but at the same time caring for them… in, of course, a strict way. The Newman children had grown up on individual paths. Each of the children went on to different acting classes, motivated by many things. Their number one motivation, or, rather, their number one reason for not walking out, was none other than their mother.

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(Spotlight moves to ETHEL, CARY, DAVID, ETHAN, ANNIE, KATHLEEN, and ELLIE.)

CARY

Mom, I don't want to go to acting school. I never get into school plays. It's always David who gets the lead.

ETHEL

Nonsense. It's not like I care about who gets the lead. I don't make you all compete for my favor. Cary, just because David is more talented than you are, more beautiful than you ever will be, and that you won't even become an eighth of the man he will grow into doesn't mean you have to give up, but you might as well will, because you're the failure child, but you've got to try.

DAVID

But I'm not even talented. 

ETHEL

Yes you are. You always volunteer to audition in the school play and you always get the part.

DAVID

You dragged me into the auditions.

ETHEL

You'll appreciate it. Your slightly older and less talented brother does.

ETHAN

No I don't. I want to direct.

ETHEl

You're just being stubborn. The point is, even the girls want to act.

DAVID

You want us to be girls?

ETHEL

No, of course not. You just have to share their enthusiasm. Isn't that right, girls?

ANNIE, KATHLEEN, ELLIE.

****

(quickly) 

No.

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(ETHEL sighs heavily.)

ETHEL

Fine, be stubborn. You're just making it harder for me. 

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(The kids lie down.)

KIDS

We're not going.

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(ETHEL takes a rope and strings up their feet, afterwards dragging them off the spotlight, which fades.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Academics were as important as acting in the Newman household. With no time for private nor public school, they were homeschooled by Ethel herself, being a former teacher for just about every grade level. 

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(Spotlight on six desks, occupied by the six children. ETHEL is walking around menacingly, meter stick in hand.)

ETHEL

Keep practicing your advanced calculus, and in no time, you'll be mathematicians!

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CARY

We're not going to become mathematicians.

ETHEL

Of course you can. If you do your math.

DAVID

No, you're making us into actors.

ETHEL

You'll be an acting mathematician.

ANNIE

What's an acting mathematician?

ETHEL

Someone who acts and does math. I don't know. Just do your math and you'll get cookies.

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(The spotlight fades out.)

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Lawrence Newman, with morals of a more rugged, 12 year old boy standard, taught the men to fight.

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(Spotlight goes on LAWRENCE, sitting on a chair as CARY and DAVID stand on opposite sides. ETHAN is sitting on the side.)

DAVID

I don't undestand, Dad, I don't want to tear Cary to shreds, like you said.

LAWRENCE

Of course you do! He's your enemy! Ever hear of sibling rivalry? I'm giving you permission to hurt your older brother.

DAVID

I don't want to hurt him.

LAWRENCE

Maybe because you can't! Come on, you sissy! I didn't raise my youngest son to be a wimp! Come on! Pin his ass down to the ground! Beat that mofo on the street!

ETHAN

You shouldn't have showed him those Teletubbies videos.

LAWRENCE

I thought the Teletubbies were violent drunks. Anyway, David, come on! Take a swing at him.

(DAVID doesn't move an inch.)

LAWRENCE

Alright, plan B. Cary. Sic him. Now. I order you to destroy your brother! Finish him! 

DAVID

He's not going to fight either.

LAWRENCE

Come on, Cary, you've lived in his shadow for too long!

DAVID

Give it up, dad, he's not going to—

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(We hear a LOUD BATTLE CRY from CARY. He instantly tackles DAVID, punching him with all his might.)

LAWRENCE

Young Newman. So be it. _Jedi._

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(The spotlight fades.)

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Kathleen, being a rebellious one, was one to resent her mother's taste in music. Ethel was a very big soft music fan. Kathleen wasn't. Why the music gene wasn't passed on, is still a mystery, but it may have had something to do with great grandfather Ernest's vestigial tail.

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(The spotlight shines on KATHLEEN, next to a portable boombox. She's doing her homework on her desk. ETHEL, rudely coming in without knocking, draws KATHLEEN's attention.)

EHTEL

Alright, here are some CDs I bought for you…

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(ETHEL hands KATHLEEN some CDs, and exits the room. KATHLEEN inspects some of them.)

KATHLEEN

Kenny G? Gross.

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(KATHLEEN throws all the CDs out. She presses play on her stereo. HARD ROCKING MARILYN MANSON comes out of the stereo, with such tremendous volume, it could wake any sleeping person. After a few seconds, the spotlight fades and the music is cut.)

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Ellie was one who benefit from acting school. She had appeared in a school play, and holding the Newman ego, had overshadowed her sisters.

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(The spotlight is on LAWRENCE, ETHEL, and ELLIE. Her sisters are behind her.)

ELLIE

So, what did you think?

LAWRENCE

It was marvelous! You really gave Cinderella her charm! 

ANNIE

Daddy, what did you think of the play me and Kathy put on yesterday for you?

LAWRENCE

Oh, it was disgusting! All the characters were dogs! Dogs don't talk.

KATHLEEN

They do in the play.

LAWRENCE

And that's why it was bad! That's why it never made it to a good theatre. Talking dogs? Promise me never to put on a play in front of the family again.

ANNIE

But what about family play night?

LAWRENCE

What?

ANNIE

That's what mommy promised us. We put on a play on Fridays for the family.

LAWRENCE

Well, your last play looked like it was written by a child.

ANNIE

But I am a child! 

LAWRENCE

See? Now you see it my way. You see, the reason I don't want family play night is… how could I put this so it won't hurt your feelings? Ah, yes. I don't want to wear the stupid costumes and act in a play with absolutely no plot and thus embarrassing the family name. You see? That's how things are. You keep the shit off the stage and throw it into the fan.

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(Fade to Black.)

NARRATOR

Now that the conditions have been established, it wasn't very long before their show soared to the air. By then, every child in the Newman family had become teen idols, despite that they weren't even teens yet. They topped People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful List. They appeared on MTV, VHI, every late night show, and had all of their names on the Hollywood plaque. They had three hit movies. Life was on the fast lane for the Newmans. The money would be equally split among them, and hid in their grandfather's bank. Unfortunately, even through numerous guest appearances on their show, their conflicts within themselves would eventually be able to end their careers.

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SCENE IV

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(The scene starts in the DINING ROOM, where the family is eating. They eat calmly and slowly, with perfect posture.)

LAWRENCE

So, how was homeschool today?

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(The kids quietly stare at him.)

ETHEL

Well, where's Theodore?

LAWRENCE

He's running a little late. No gravy?

ETHEL

No. No, there isn't. It seems that your child has spilled them.

LAWRENCE

What do you mean? I have six! Be a little bit more specific!

ETHEL

It's Ethan.

LAWRENCE

Ethan… now, Ethan… congratulations! You spilled the gravy! I don't have the guts to do that, but you sure saved us from a sour demise!

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(ETHEL is shocked.)

ETHEL

Well, I guess I can't make gravy anymore.

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(The kids whisper "Yes!" under their breaths, and ETHEL is even angrier.)

ETHEL

I guess no one cares for my award winning gravy.

LAWRENCE

Damn straight.

ETHAN

I was thinking of joining the peace corps when I grow up.

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(Everyone stops eating.)

LAWRENCE

You don't want to do that. Your Grandpa Terrence joined the peace corps, you know. He's gone senile now.

ETHAN

Oh. Then I'll become a hippie. 

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(ANNIE spits out her food. ELLIE starts to choke. The other boys chortle with laughter.)

LAWRENCE

No, son.

ETHAN

But I—

LAWRENCE

Just no.

ethan

I swear, if you hold me back, I'll become just like you.

LAWRENCE  
That's a chance I'm willing to take.

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(Silence. A little bit after this, THEODORE MARSCH walks in, and grabs a chair. Everyone is dead silent, waiting for THEODORE to speak. He clears his throat. He holds a briefcase in his hand.)

THEODORE

I'll get straight to the point. Our ratings are higher than ever, and they don't even slip.

ETHEL

That's good news.

THEODORE

But, as you know, the public is waking up to the fact of… your… disorientation. 

LAWRENCE

Disorientation? Why, I never hit my children!

CARY

That's true.

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(LAWRENCE hits CARY on the back of the head.)

LAWRENCE

Daddy's talking, Cary.

THEODORE

Look, I'm not the bad guy here. I'm just the messenger so don't shoot me. And I know you have a loaded gun in the basement so don't go off and get it.

LAWRENCE

So… what are we going to do?

THEODORE

Pack up your stuff and settle this in court, your case of domestic abuse is in three months.

ETHEL

Can you make it a private hearing? The press will be over it in three months.

THEODORE

Now, you're gonna hate me for this. The press won't be over it.

ETHEL

I don't hate you.

THEODORE

The press won't be over it because "Perfection" starring you, the Newmans… is…

ELLIE

Getting a raise?

THEODORE

Cancelled.

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(Everyone drops their forks and spoons on the floor. LAWRENCE starts to crack up.)

LAWRENCE

You're kidding.

THEODORE

I'm afraid not. The court preliminary hearing is tomorrow. If you want custody for your children, I suggest you go in sober, Larry.

LAWRENCE

Don't worry. We can bounce back.

****

SCENE V

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(The scene opens on the courtroom. We see that the

JUDGE is on a high stand. ETHEL, LAWRENCE, and THEODORE are on one side. On the other are social workers, with the children in the middle of it all.)

ETHEL

They're ready to read the verdict.

LAWRENCE

I can feel it in my veins. I know we're gonna get custody.

JUDGe

In the case of Newman v. Social workers, the state of California hereby finds the defendants…

LAWRENCE

NOT GUILTY! YES! FULL CUSTODY!

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(LAWRENCE starts to dance in front of the court. He stops, exhaustedly after a while.)

JUDGE

You done?

LAWRENCE

Yes.

JUDGE

We find the defendant guilty of all charges. We award full custody to the social workers. 

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(ETHEL starts to break down and cry. She bangs her hand on the desk. LAWRENCE looks okay, until he falls over.)

NARRATOR

And that's how it all began. And like that, the children had all their strictness stripped from them, and had gone on to be raised individually. For seven years, the two older Newmans had lived in seclusion, and eventually suffered depression. Terrence, Lawrence's father, had gone senile out of old age. The world had soon forgotten the Newmans. The reruns only existed in Nick at Nite. The reruns were soon pulled out of syndication. The products—the lunchboxes, the videos, the macaroni and cheese—were soon discarded. The Newmans had made and destroyed their own empire. But, as life goes on, certain events happen. Specifically, a reunion. A reunion not only to bring the Fischers back on television, or restore a family to their egotistic empire, but most of all, it was to bring the Newmans back together, to resolve their differences. Knowing the Newman mind, this was going to be a rough road. Our story picks up seven years later…

****

SCENE VI (Seven Years Later)…

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(We FADE IN at the office of THEODORE MARSCH. He is a little bit more rugged, with a beard, but still wears the same gray suit for seven years, with a yellow tie. He is behind his mahogany desk, where a television sits at his left. He is half asleep, with only the television to keep him awake. He has his feet up, staring blankly into the television. He has a phone to the side and a garbage can on the desk. We see a FIGURE enter in, but he cannot be seen. THEODORE jumps up from his current position and arranges his papers. He puts the phone to the far side of his desk. He shuffles the papers some more.)

theodore

Oh. Um. Hello. What can I do for you, ma'am?

figure

(softly)

I'm not a woman.

theodore

What?

figure 

(louder)

I'm not a woman!

theodore

Sorry. It's so dark in here. It's almost closing time, but, hey, take a seat.

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(THEODORE shuffles some more papers and moves the television swiftly off the table rather clumsily, and the television smashes on the floor. THEODORE curls back, hating himself for his actions. We hear a little chuckle of contempt from the FIGURE.)

figure

Smooth move, Marsch.

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(THEODORE looks up.)

theodore

Terry? Is that you?

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(The FIGURE moves out of the shadows to sit down. He sits to the side of THEODORE. It is TERRENCE NEWMAN, an old man in his last years. He has ghostly white hair, and thick black glasses in contrast with his dirty gray mustache. He wears a golfer's hat, with a collared shirt and a vest with a lapel pin. He wears dark gray pants to match his gray vest, with shiny black shoes, holding a cane in his feeble hand. He adjusts his glasses and takes a deep breath.)

terrence

That's Mr. Newman to you, Theo. 

theodore

Sorry. It's been such a long time. It must've been—

terrence

Seven years, just about. I think a little bit more. Oh, I don't know. 

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(TERRENCE sits back in his chair and puts his cane to the side. He looks directly at THEODORE, who's fascinated by TERRENCE's presence.)

terence (cont'd)

Yes, it's been seven years. That long now, huh? I bet the family hasn't even seen each other. 

theodore

I see. I'm going to go call the therapist now.

terrence

I'm not crazy. I'm just senile. And I'm pretty sure that it's not the senility talking when I say we fell apart. The empire of the Newmans has gone down. 

theodore

It's been that way for seven years. There's nothing new. They've all gone their separate ways. 

terrence

Nah, I'm just stating the obvious again. I just want the family back together.

theodore

Now I know you're senile. You have the crazy disease. You have the senile virus. You have the out of your mind syndrome. You've got—

terrence

Cancer.

theodore

Yes, you've got cancer. Wait… you've got cancer?

terrence

I do. It's been infecting my liver ever since. It spread from the lungs. 

theodore

You smoke?

TERRENCE

I've quit after diagnosed. It put me under so much stress, so much pressure, that—you have a cigarette?

theodore

I don't smoke. 

terrence

Oh. Anyway, I tried to run across America, but I broke my hip in Pennsylvania.

theodore

Pennsylvania is south of New York, not west.

__

(A pause.)

terrence

Well, it doesn't matter. Somewhere between hitchhiking with an illiterate trucker and falling of a cliff in the Catskills, I think I really found what I'm supposed to do in my last month of life. I'm going to bring the family back together.

theodore

Well. That's beautiful. Except that they're totally estranged and it won't sell. 

terrence

And I'm going to leave a will.

theodore

Well, that changes everything. But we need some sort of catch to get the rest of the family back.

terrence

I'm leaving everything. I've got everything. They've got nothing. I have the family fortune.

theodore

There's a family fortune?

terrence

Yes, there's a family fortune. It's all the money that was left back or taken away after the custody battle. The fortune was in all of their names, so the courts ruled it to be in the oldest descendant of the Newmans. In this case, me. (pause) Oh, it'll never work. They destroyed themselves. It's a bad idea. They'll probably destroy the whole foundation—the whole legacy of the family. And they'll probably destroy my life even further. They'll make me stupid, dependent, ugly, distorted, bald—

theodore

They'll make you bald?

terrence

Well, I'm sorry for wasting your time, Theo. I think I'm going to go lie in my deathbed for awhile.

__

(TERRENCE gets his cane and stands up very slowly. He musters his strength, and starts to walk away. Then, THEODORE almost falls off his chair as he is struck with an idea. He runs after TERRENCE and holds on to his sleeve, guiding him back.)

theodore

Wait! Wait, wait, wait. I've just been hit with this great idea. 

terrence

Well, don't stutter, Theo. Get on with it.

(Fade out.)

**** ****

SCENE VII

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(The scene opens in the office of STEVEN ASHCROFT, walking around and around, taking a phone call. His office is very claustrophobic, as his papers and folders and cabinets take up a lot of the space.)

steven

No. No, we can't do that. We can't get them on television. Because they're dead. They died in some freak family Thanksgiving dinner SIX MONTHS AGO. That's why we can't get the Parkinsons on television. I don't know what we do. 

(pretending to fade the signal)

Sorry. I'm losing you, I'm losing—

__

(STEVEN hangs up. The phone rings again. He picks up.)

steven

The blackmail money's on the table—Oh, boss. Sorry. I thought you were someone else. No, I'm not being blackmailed. You caught me rehearsing for something. I know I'm a producer. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (pause) FIRED? You're getting me fired? (pause) This is a joke, right? (pathetically) Ha-ha, I get the point, good one, Mitch. (serious) You're not kidding? Look, go ask Murray. He's someone who knows me. Oh. He's the one who said to fire me? New plan. Okay. Okay. Okay okay okay okay. Mitch. I need one more deal. Give me—one week. One week is all I ask. Give me a chance. I'm the one who produced that Oscar nominee last time, remember? And not to mention that I produced that Emmy nominee? You're losing a valuable asset to your corporation. A very valuable asset. Oh. You don't care? Well, give me one week. I implore you, give me one week. One week is all I ask. Fine. Six days. Six days, no more, no less? Do we have a deal? Six days. For two thousand dollars? I don't have that kind of money on me—don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up. Please. Okay. I'll get you the money. (pause) This is blackmail, Mitch. It's blackmail. But fine. I'll get you the two thousand tomorrow. Thank you thank you thank you thank you so, so very much. I love you so so much. (pause) Wait. Scratch that last part. Alright. Bye.

__

(STEVEN hangs up. He sits back for a second. Then, he jumps to his feet, and starts pacing around.)

steven

What am I gonna do? What am I going to do?

__

(STEVEN aggressively kicks his garbage can, causing it to tip over. He kicks his desk, but all he get is a pain in his foot. He falls down after the shock is absorbed, and THEODORE walks in.)

theodore

You busy?

steven

Kind of. I'm trying to keep my foot from dropping off.

theodore

Your jaw's going to drop in a few seconds. Listen to this. 

steven

The Beatles are reuniting?

theodore

Um—no, but…

steven

They're reviving Glengarry Glen Ross?

theodore

Um, it's not that either.

steven

(losing interest)

They're planning another Star Wars movie?

theodore

No.

steven

Not interested. Please. Leave me and my foot alone.

__

(STEVEN sits up.)

theodore

Fine. But answer me this. What was the greatest family of all time?

steven

The Brady Bunch?

THEODORe

No—

steven

The Partridge Family?

theodore

No. Try for the 1990 decade.

steven

Oh. Then, it's the Simpsons.

theodore

That's not animated.

steven

Oh. The Newmans, definitely.

theodore

Now. Don't think recasting. Don't think a crummy spin off. Don't think an even crummier movie. Think reunion.

steven

Reunion…

__

(STEVEN pauses. He bursts into uncontrollable laughter.)

steven

(stops laughing)

You're kidding. They can't mix. They've been dysfunctional for some time now. If you didn't notice. I mean, Larry has a bigger drinking problem, Ethel has manic depression, the kids—two are bigshots, I admit, but, let's face it. The rest are just weird. One joined the peace corps but was kicked out and now he's just like his dad. The youngest daughter is just hateful all the time. You've got a heavy metal goth for a middle daughter, and the eldest son has his problems.

theodore

I think it'll work.

steven

What's the premise? Just for laughs.

theodore

Terrence is dying. He's got lung cancer. And he's gone senile. The premise is we set someone to go in there and do a story on them, and we could do a documentary. You know, documentaries are great to get quick fame. 

steven

Terrence is dying? 

theodore

And he apparently wrote up a will. They don't know who is on the will, but he says he has this crazy old scheme to hide it in the safe. But, the will is worthless if he is murdered.

steven

Murdered?

theodore

He has a few weeks, a month until he dies. 

steven

Can't we just use cameras?

theodore

He says someone will try to murder him. And he's not asking for bodyguards.

steven

So?

theodore

If we set cameras up, we'll be showing a death on national television. How many hit networks have illegal murders happening on live television?

steven

Oh. 

theodore

What do you say?

steven

(pause)

Okay. I'll do it. You get the family together. 

theodore

Okay. Simple enough.

**** ****

SCENE VIII

__

(We open in the NEWMAN SUMMER HOUSE. The furniture is well arranged. It is very cramped. The dining room, the kitchen, and the living room are all put together, like a mutated house. There is a television set, and few pieces of furniture lying around the living room. On the couch is TERRENCE, who is sitting with his old hat and cane, with STEVEN and THEODORE, pacing around, following each other, bumping each other, and other telltale signs of chronic stress show. The doorbell rings, catching them by surprise, and thus, knocking heads. They stumble to the door offstage, and TERRENCE is woken up. He rubs his eyes.)

terrence

The first guest?

__

(LAWRENCE walks in, with a wine bottle under his arm, and a card with him. He has flowers in his other hand, as STEVEN and THEODORE walk with him. LAWRENCE has obviously not changed a bit, wearing his sloppy clothes and drunk expression. LAWRENCE hands TERRENCE a card.)

lawrence

Hello, dad. I've brought you a card. 

terrence

Son. You brought me a card. You couldn't say what you felt yourself?

lawrence

I was very busy. Read the card.

terrence

"As you journey into the eternal heaven, I hope to pray, that liver cancer won't put you down too much"—

lawrence

Keep on going.

TERRENCE

"And the fact that it slowly devours you inside out, to be left a rotting pile of flesh." (sarcastically)That's a real emotional upper.

lawrence

Sorry.

terrence

You know, I have lung cancer.

lawrence

Oh.

terrence

And "cancer" is spelled with a "C" not an "S".

lawrence

I got it off at K-Mart.

TERRENCE

You cheapskate!

__

(TERRENCE hits LAWRENCE with the card.)

lawrence

Well, I bought you some champagne.

__

(LAWRENCE offers some champagne, with the flowers.)

terrence

(re: flowers)

What's with this?

lawrence

Flowers.

terrence

I'm not your mother, Lawrence. And these flowers don't look fresh.

lawrence

Sorry. I got it online.

terrence

And the champagne—it's terrible. It's not even champagne, is it? It's Lieutenant Dan Taylor's Imitation Whiskey-slash-Champagne.

lawrence

It's the best I could do. I had to stop off at the gas station. You look stressed. You need a cigarette? I should've bought some.

terrence

I have lung cancer, you imbecile—

__

(The doorbell rings again. THEODORE gets the door. LAWRENCE looks to see ETHEL, perfect posture, and has an envelope with her. She sneers at the sight of LAWRENCE.)

LAWRENCE

Ethel. 

ETHEL

Lawrence.

LAWRENCE

Long time no see.

ETHEL

I'm glad.

LAWRENCE

(sudden outburst)

Oh there you go again! Ranting after seven years, and—

ethel

And you're still the same drunk—

TERRENCE

Oh, please, stop it, you're acting like kids!

LAWRENCE

Hey, she started it!

ethel

Did not!

lawrence

Did too!

__

(They keep on repeating the "did nots" and "did toos" until the DOORBELL rings a second time. At this point everyone freezes.)

theodore

(trying to break the ice)

Well… I wonder who _that _could be? 

__

(THEODORE moves to the door. Before he's halfway to it, ELLIE and DAVID walk in. JOEL HAILEY walks next to DAVID, who's dressed a tad bit less formal than DAVID. ELLIE, dressed formally beyond description, strides in second, with JEFF HAILEY's arm crossing hers. They walk in like an old married couple, and eventually come to a stop.)

TERRence

(scoffing)

Look what's the cat dragged in. Ell. You seem so beautiful, so stupendous, and so insecure. Such a perfectionist.

__

(JEFF almost lunges at TERRENCE, but ELLIE holds him back.)

ellie

(to Jeff)

Down.

(to Terrence)

Nice to meet you, grandfather.

lawrence

Ooh, you're right dad, she is insecure.

terrence

Oh, shut up, Lawrence. You're the one who raised her. Or neglected her.

ethel

Good point. 

david

Mother. Father.

lawrence

Who's your patsy?

__

(An uncomfortable silence.)

joel

Uh—Hailey. Joel Hailey.

lawrence

Hailey? Any relation to Carl Lee Hailey?

joel

Yes, sir, he's my grandfather.

lawrence

He was the juror who ruled against me.

jeff

For good measure, too.

terrence

(to Jeff)

And you?

jeff

I'm Jeff Hailey. There is a relation, I'm Joel's brother. Unfortunately. You see, he always dreams to be—

lawrence

Whoa, there, hombre. I don't want your whole life story.

jeff

I'm talking to the old man.

terrence

Don't bother. I'm starting not to like you already.

theodore

Well, formalities aside—

__

(Overlapping "aside", ETHAN walks in. He look very different from the last time we saw him, now semi formally dressed than the peacenik he was.)

terrence

Ethan. 

ethan

Grandfather.

lawrence

(pause)

Yes! I'm so proud of you! You're not a tree hugging hippie! No peace corps, no nothing. You're growing up just like your old man.

ethan

(sarcastically)

Oh, yeah, we'd ALL love that. I mean, why not have another spawn of evil? 

terrence

Just like his old man, alright. I'm going up to my bed. I'm feeling under the weather today.

__

(WINSTON MALLOY, an old as time butler slowly walks in, with a tray full of tea. He sets it on the table.)

ethan

Winston's here.

winston

And still alive, I might put. How are you, master Ethan?

ethan

I'm feeling like I'm in a room surrounded by devils and being burned slowly, as I'm strung upside down as flies sting at my face as worms drink the pool of blood under me. Just like always.

joel

Oh, yeah, the Divine Comedy… Dante's Inferno… I read that.

ethan

…Dante's what?

__

(KATHLEEN walks in after a few minutes. She is pretty much dressed in all black, with a face like a heavy metal artist, if Marilyn Manson was a woman.)

lawrence

You've certainly gone a long way.

steven

(to Theodore)

I don't think this is working well.

theodore

Of course, it's working well. It's good publicity. This is how they're really like. 

steven

Kind of makes me wish I was watching them on television.

__

(As soon as STEVEN says this, ANNIE comes in. She has a suitcase in her hand, and sports a red jumpsuit, hair tied back.)

ethan

Agony, hatred, cruelty—Thy name is Ann-Margaret Newman.

annie

Nice to see you.

ethan 

I wish I could say the same.

JOEL

Is that the family?

__

(CARY walks in, rather sheepishly, and unwilling to go in. You can tell he doesn't want to be there.)

theodore

Now it's the whole family. 

lawrence

That's the last thing I need. Another family to raise again.

ethel

I did the raising myself.

lawrence

Judging by the results, you screwed up pretty badly.

cary

Oh, this looks familiar. A massive gathering of cannibals. It's like the Brady Bunch meets Hannibal Lecter.

david

Truly profound.

winston

May I address the Newmans for a second?

jeff

And?

winston

…And the Haileys.

jeff

Much better.

winston

I do believe Terrence Newman has asked your company. 

cary

Well. What are we waiting for? The old geezer can't live forever.

joel

David, are you sure he wants us to go?

david

I… think so. 

__

(FADE OUT.)

****

SCENE IX

__

(In the master's bedroom, one lonely bed and a nightstand are present in the room. Everyone else gathers around the bed, girls on one side, and boys on the other. They form an opening at the foot of the bed. On the bed, TERRENCE is lying down peacefully, as if he really was on his deathbed. Meanwhile, WINSTON sticks around, preparing medicine and drinks.)

terrence

I feel worse and worse every minute here. And the worst part is, you're all waiting for me to die, and the will.

lawrence

What will?

terrence

The will which has all your names on it. And if I die, it's all yours. And you hungry cannibalistic dogs can't wait for that moment to come.

ethan

Grandfather, we're not contemplating your death—we're not waiting for you to die.

(beat)

Actually, we're waiting for the few hours after you die, that way we can get our money.

terrence

(pause)

Look, the will is useless if I'm murdered.

__

(Everyone mumbles in discontent and sighs as they drop a few weapons.)

winston

Medicine's almost ready.

terrence

Oh, yeah, that'll be a big help.

__

(Everyone starts to take a seat. That is, except ETHEL, WINSTON, and LAWRENCE, who stick next to TERRENCE's side.)

lawrence

I'm kind of surprised that you still have Winston over all these years. We've pushed him around, mistreated him, and really ridiculed him to the point of insanity.

terrence

That's true. Lawrence, you've been a good son. I've tried my best to raise you. I did everything my father before me had done, and yet you're the one who failed at it. Was it my mistake? Tell me it's not my mistake.

lawrence

Actually, it kind of is.

terrence

Ah, well. You're not obligated to stay here. Anyone can leave at any time they want. 

ethel

Oh, good. I can't stand another moment.

terrence

No big deal. It'll just cancel the will.

ethel

What?

terrence

I want the whole family together before I pass on. It's not much of request.

lawrence

It's pretty difficult on my behalf. I didn't raise these kids. I don't know them. I think I raised them the wrong way. I think my teaching and Ethel's teachings have cancelled each other out. And that's why it didn't work.

ethel

He's got a point there.

winston

The medicine.

terrence

(to Winston)

Leave it on the nightstand. 

__

(WINSTON does so.)

winston

I shall ask the cook to set up the dinner table.

__

(WINSTON exits. TERRENCE throws the medicine away.)

terrence

I don't think Winston ever did like me. He's very hateful. He's just a walking carpet, that's all. And I think he's on the verge of insanity.

lawrence

I noticed. Who's the family cook?

terrence

The same one that has been cooking for us Newmans since you hit it big. Anton Thomas.

ethel

Really?

lawrence

Isn't he on the schizo side?

terrence

Kind of. He's been that way ever since that incident with the lobsters a while back.

ethel

Please. That's something I'd like to forget.

terrence

I'm gravely disappointed in the ethics, mannerisms, and general well being of the family now.

Ethel

I know you're one to crusade for good, but you can't do about eighteen years of work. It's just too hard to do.

terrence

Again, all I want before I die is the family to be together. I didn't have a family when I immigrated here in America. We always fought, we never shared, and my parents died lonely and in vain. I don't want the same to happen to you.

lawrence

But I'm not lonely—

ethel

That's touching really, but—

terrence

Talk it over. Talk it over with the family. 

lawrence

Has senility gone that fast to your head? The family won't listen.

ethel

You're asking quite the impossible, Terrence. 

terrence

Please. Haven't I done enough begging? I'm on my deathbed, I have cancer, I'm offering you the family fortune. All I ask is to talk it over with the kids over dinner.

__

(A contemplative pause.)

lawrence

Okay. Okay. Okay. But I'm not guaranteeing anything. 

terrence

A little talk with them is all I ask.

ethel

I agree, then. They're grown up. 

(to Lawrence)

Right?

lawrence

I guess I could spare a few days. I could bare it.

terrence

That's the spirit, my son. Don't give up on your family now, the Newman legacy lies before you.

ethel

The Newman legacy has passed. It's the reconstruction that's due.

__

(Another contemplative, dramatic pause.)

lawrence

So, what's for dinner?

****

ACT TWO

Family Bonding and Attempted Homicide

SCENE X

__

(The scene opens on the dining room, where each of the Newmans are seated. They eat quietly and solemnly.)

lawrence

Well, it's been a long time.

ethan

I guess. We should get to know each other better.

ellie

Go right ahead.

ethan

All of us.

kathleen

No way, nuh-uh.

david

We have to break the ice somehow.

joel

How about we go around the table? Introduce each other, and stuff? And while we're at it, let's say what we're up to?

lawrence

Capital idea. Why don't you go first, David?

david

(after a slight pause)

Okay. I've been working a lot lately. 

ethan

Is that it? You've been working a lot?

cary

Braggart. I tell you, I may not have the cutest little looks in the family, but people admire me.

ethan

And who's that? The failed actor's club?

cary

Well, I don't see you getting into any movies lately.

ethan

I wouldn't be talking. 

kathleen

See? This is why I hate family conversations!

__

(A long pause. JEFF clears his throat.)

jeff

Well, I've been going steady with Ellie for a while. I work over at Harry Hope's bar.

ellie

Isn't he the cutest?

ethan

For an arrogant bullfrog, yeah.

ethel

Ethan! What a jerky thing to say!

__

(ETHAN puts down his knife and fork after this.)

ethan

That's it! I give up! This family is too disoriented for me!

ethel

Finish your supper, Ethan.

ethan

I can't possibly imagine how a living human being can survive a second living with people like you!

ethel

Finish your supper.

cary

You've got a point.

ethan

See? Cary believes me? He's out of work and overtly jealous of David, David's an insecure little runt, Kathy's an angry social outcast, Annie's a hateful tomboy—could we BE anymore dysfunc—

ethel

(screaming her lungs out)

Ethan! Would you finish your supper! It's getting cold!

ethan

Yes'm.

__

(Everything reverts to a normal silence.)

ethan (cont'd)

Anyway, I got into directing for Stuyvesant high school plays recently. They're really turning out great. How's things with you, dad?

lawrence

Well, my life's a living inferno, my wife criticizes me a little bit too much—no, not to much, just a little bit. Then, I couldn't find a job for seven years because of the defaming court custody battle—yes, everything's doing fine, Ethan. Thank you for asking.

ethel

It's your attitude that gets you unemployed. I've been sewing for awhile. I've taken up a few hobbies.

__

(KATHLEEN sighs.)

kathleen

I've been a groupie for the Insane Clown Posse for a while, and I've been a groupie to Ozzfest.

cary

Pretty good for the embarrassment of the family.

david

You've got something to add, Cary?

cary

I've been in plays here and there in Broadway.

ethan

Seussical the Musical?

cary

No, along the lines of Les Miserbales (pronounces it "Lehs Miserabuhls")

ethan

Well, it's (correctly) "Les Miserables" and "miserable" describes most of your career anyway.

cary

Better than high school plays. Where's the mashed potatoes?

__

(ANNIE passes a bowl of mashed potatoes to CARY.)

annie

I guess it's my turn. I've been doing some athletic stuff for a while. Mostly playing girls' softball. 

(then)

Joel, you're pretty quiet all this time. 

david

And I wholeheartedly agree. Tell them about yourself.

joel

No, please—

david

Come on, Joel. Be a friend. (chanting) Story! Story! Story! Give me an S! Give me a T!

ethan

Give me a shut up! 

(to Joel)

Tell us. Anything to make him shut up.

joel

Okay. I'm trying to follow in the footsteps of Dave here. Trying acting out. I'm not that good, though.

david

Oh, don't be a liar. You are very good.

ethan

Better than Cary, I bet.

cary

Watch it!

__

(ETHAN chuckles at CARY's anger.)

joel

Well, anyway, I hope to act someday. Professionally, and for a living.

ellie

Worked for me.

ethan

I'm tired of that. Just because you star opposite David, the obviously more talented one, doesn't mean that you possess talent.

ellie

I do so have talent.

lawrence

Your brother's right, Ell.

jeff

Okay. I think this introduction has gone far enough. Good round though.

__

(Another pause. Everyone starts to eat and drink again.)

ethel

Okay. If anyone is going to get this out of the way, then it's going to be me. Who's staying after tonight?

lawrence

What do you mean?

ethel

Someone's got to stay with Terrence. Everyone's got to stay with him.

__

(A pause. Everyone except ETHEL start to crack up afterwards.)

ethel

What's so funny?

lawrence

(trying to keep the laughter back)

No offense, but… my father's a horrible father and an even more terrible grandfather. He's going to scar the children.

ellie

Oh, now you think of us.

ethel

He's dying, Lawrence—the least we could do is try.

cary

The least we could do is ignore it.

david

I kind of agree.

ethan

Oh, you don't know anything, you little runt.

joel

Actually, I'm on David's side.

cary

You're not even part of the family!

jeff

Hey, don't talk to him like _that_!

cary

Hey, this isn't any of your business, you bloodsucking vampire—mooching off Ellie's wealth.

ellie

At least I have wealth!

kathleen

Oh, yeah, that's all you care about.

annie

Oh, what do you know? You're a groupie!

__

(The kids start to violently argue. As it dies down…)

ethan

(finishing up conversation)

…and that, David, is why Russia is a scapegoat, just like you.

cary

…what?

__

(A pause.)

lawrence

Okay, now I'm seeing what dad was trying to say. We are dysfunctional.

cary

Way to state the obvious, Dad.

lawrence

It's this psychobabble that keeps the family apart. 

cary

You're staying, then?

lawrence

Yes.

ethel

I'm staying, too.

david

Same here.

joel

I guess. Sure, why not?

jeff

Uh… yeah, me too. (to Joel) I got to make sure you don't screw up.

ellie

If you're staying, Jeff, I guess I have to stay with you.

kathleen

(pause)

…Well, I'm not going to be neglected a second time. I'm staying. This place come with a stereo?

annie

I'm not playing odd woman out. I'm in. I get dibs on tennis court.

cary

No, no, no, no, no—I'm not to be upstaged this time.

lawrence

Ethan? Something to add?

__

(ETHAN chuckles arrogantly by himself.)

ethan

(through laughter)

That's… a good one… that's really good… really funny… that's…

(then, seriously)

…Oh, god, you're serious.

david

Pretty serious.

ethan

…I don't believe this. Moments ago, nay, seconds ago you were badmouthing grandfather. But—now—now you're just being contradictory. The word "hypocrite" comes to mind. 

(sigh)

Well, I'm not going to be working for a while, and I guess I deserve a vacation. Fine. Fine. I know I'm making a mistake. But fine. And I don't want any questions.

__

(ANTON THOMAS shaking, brings in a dessert cart.)

lawrence

Anton… you're still here.

anton

Yes, boss. Alive and well.

lawrence

How's your social life?

anton

It's good.

lawrence

How's your emotional life?

anton

Horribly unbalanced.

(then, in voice 1)

Who's this guy? (original voice) It's Lawrence Newman.

lawrence

Huh? Am I missing something here?

annie

…Is he possessed?

lawrence

I don't know.

__

(LAWRENCE throws water into ANTON's face.)

cary

What was that for?

lawrence

He's snapping.

ethel

He's schizophrenic. Water won't cure him. Nothing cures it.

ellie

I bet that makes him feel a lot better.

anton

Oh, it's okay.

__

(WINSTON walks in, with THEODORE and STEVEN.)

steven

Well?

cary

Well what?

steven

Decision?

ethel

We're going to stay, it's unanimous.

theodore

That—that's great, that's perfect.

winston

Master Terrence has requested that you wake up early tomorrow. 

lawrence

Why's that?

winston

He set up an appointment for Dr. Arthur Phibes.

ethan

I knew it! One of us has terminal pneumonia!

theodore

It's family therapy.

ethan

Oh, that's different. Then I hate it even more. We don't need family therapy.

ethel

Oh, you know we do. I think it's a good idea.

lawrence

Alright. I'm getting my things from the hotel. I didn't think I'd stay this long.

cary

I'm sticking with the clothes on my back.

annie

Oh thank god. Now we don't need to see you take your shirt off.

__

(LAWRENCE exits.)

ethel

I'm groggy from the trip. I'm going to sleep.

__

(ETHEL gets up and leaves.)

ethan

I'll be in the den.

__

(FADE OUT.)

**** ****

SCENE XI

__

(The scene opens in the den. ETHAN is sitting on a couch, mixing some tea. He takes a sip out of it, and sets it down. A fire blinks in the background. We see that CARY is on the opposite side, hands clasped together, mind pondering. After a few seconds, DAVID strides in, with JOEL wandering into the room.)

cary

(to David)

Is there a reason that he sticks to you like oak to a tree?

david

It's a little thing called friendship.

ethan

With the way he's following you, it looks like a step away from love.

david

Is there a reason you're feeling especially hostile?

ethan

Just stress. Nothing big.

cary

Joel. Are you this quiet all the time?

joel

No, actually, I just don't talk much to strangers.

cary

Well, now that you've experienced dinner, no one's a stranger.

david

And you're right.

cary

Of course.

joel

It's really cool, though, how you actually want to brave this.

cary

I don't WANT to brave this. I just want to get this done and over with. That way I can get my share of the fortune.

david

Come on, that's so shallow of you! 

ethan

I kind of agree with Cary on this one.

joel

I don't think this is done out of the good of their hearts.

david

You're right.

joel

I'm going to sleep. I'm pretty tired.

david

Go ahead.

__

(JOEL leaves.)

david

…Okay, so what's this about?

ethan

What's what?

david

All this tension between you and… everyone.

ethan

Hey. Tension happens.

david

This isn't a family.

ethan

…Look, this hasn't been a family for eighteen years! The only reason you feel at home because you were the obvious favorite.

david

No… that's not true.

cary

Ethan's right. Why else do you think we're so miserable? You're so successful… because… because…

david

Because what?

cary

Because…

ethan

Oh, just say it, Cary! No?

(to David)

Your looks have become a problem!

david

What?

ethan

You've heard me loud and clear. You're the clear cut favorite because you're the cutest of the bunch. Why do you think there are more action figures of you than there are of me or Cary combined?

david

I…

ethan

You don't know. Because your parents have taken advantage of that and destroyed your Coogan account and therefore keeping your fortune. And that's why they lost the custody case.

david

No…

cary

Read the newspapers, David. Ethan's preaching the truth.

ethan

This is a dysfunctional family and it has scarred us for life. 

david

But…

ethan

That includes you. You… you're just a walking, talking carpet. You have friends like Joel to keep you very secure. What don't you get? Are you THAT stupid? Are you that washed up by Hollywood? Look at you! Jesus Christ. You stupid sack of shit. You really think you can bring this family together… all by yourself. Oh, you stupid, washed up Hollywood moron.

cary

Good point… a little harsh…

(pause)

Look, David, Ethan seems hostile at you right now, but that's how it is. 

ethan

There you have it. The truth. This hasn't been a family ever. It's a sham to keep us in the limelight. There was never a Newman legacy, never an empire, and that's why we can't regain it. We can't regain something we don't have. 

cary

I know it's confusing for you, David, to accept that, but it's true. We're like the Baldwin brothers. You're Alec, the famous one, and I'm Stephen, and Ethan's Billy.

ethan

What? I want to be Stephen!

cary

Fine.

david

But what about the sisters?

ethan

Oh, them—they have no talent at all. The only reason Ellie's famous is that she always stars opposite you. And she thinks that automatically makes her talented.

cary

You don't know what it's like to live in your shadow.

ethan

Okay, so we're dysfunctional. I just don't want to admit it. But I admit it.

david

I never thought of it in that way.

ethan

Because you don't think hard enough. This is how it is: We all have talent. You were brought up better than we were, more exposed. Therefore, we are the scum you scrape off from your shoes. Now go to bed, and think about that.

david

It always seemed…

ethan

Go to bed. And think about that.

david

I'm not sleepy.

ethan

I don't wanna raise my voice, now listen, go to bed.

david

I mean, I'm not sleepy. I've never thought—

ethan

(bursting)

Now you listen to me! Go drag yourself to your bed, and think about it there! Because I don't want to raise my voice today!

david

I think I'll go to bed now.

__

(DAVID exits.)

****

SCENE XII

__

(The scene opens in the living room the next morning. The living room is just as it is when it was last left. A couple of drinks are by a cart on the near left of the couch. STEVEN is sitting on the couch, his tie loose, and his sleeves rolled up. THEODORE is looking much less tired, as he wears a snazzy gray suit and a yellow tie, as he stands by the door. He is waving goodbye to something off stage.)

theodore

Alright, you all have a good trip to the psychiatrist, okay? Remember! Keep your anger in words… no, not those kind of words… appropriate ones. And don't hit each other.

steven

Are you done playing mother?

theodore

…You know, I think you should have gone with them. I've spent my career playing lawyer for these people. They're practically family.

steven

If they weren't dysfunctional.

theodore

Can't you show the least bit of sympathy?

steven

I'll show sympathy when the ratings soar. 

theodore

You don't know these people as I do. I really think that they can get along, they just have to rid themselves of the prejudice against each other because of their differences.

steven

Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. It's just that my fucking JOB is on the line, and all I can think about is how to make this into something worthwhile, something great. I mean, let's see. My life is falling apart, Mitch is blackmailing me, to the extent where I'm in debt. This is a last chance bestowed upon me. It's a curse or a blessing. I didn't ask for this, but now I have to deal with it. I guess I'm jealous. I mean… how could THAT family have such a great chance to you when they're so dysfunctional. How could they have a chance?

theodore

Calm down. Think of it as this: when they get together, you reap the benefits. In a way, their coming together is your ticket to your job back.

__

(A pause. WINSTON walks in, and is followed by a cart being pushed by ANTON, who pours a few drinks as they stop by the couch.)

winston

Drinks?

theodore

Sure.

steven

I'll need a lot.

theodore

Good idea… (to Winston) Say, Winston, what do you think of the family's condition? And why are you still their butler?

winston

Well, the family, in my opinion, can never come together. It's as if they're from different worlds. And I don't think they'll be getting to the will, even though they think they can get to the will just by playing pretend.

steven

And this is strictly off the record, so continue.

winston

Anyway, I'm not the Newman butler, but I am Terrence's butler.

steven

Who is a Newman anyway.

winston

But I'm not the family butler. Frankly, I think Terrence is a bitter, senile old man. He doesn't show any respect for me at all.

theodore

Well, you are a butler. You just give up your basic Constitutional rights when you sign on to the job. It's one of those mandatory things.

winston

I see.

steven

Now, Anton… how about those drinks?

****

SCENE XIII

__

(The scene opens in the office of DOCTOR ARTHUR PHIBES. He is quite old, and dressed in a calm psychiatrist wardrobe, a suit that's not too loud or not too quiet. He wears glasses and stereotypically carries around a clipboard. He is seated on a very comfortable chair, his desk behind it. On a couch, and a few chairs are the NEWMANS.)

phibes

So. You are the Newmans. Well, let me start by saying that I have heard of your work, and I'd like to start there as well. Now, from the left to the right, describe your role from seven years back.

lawrence

Well, I'm pretty much the father, so it put me under a lot of stress. And that makes me drink.

phibes

Uh-huh. Is this a drinking problem?

lawrence

No! No, it's not. It's just something I do to get away from insanity.

ethel

Oh. I see. Now you're saying that we're insane.

phibes

Let's not play the blame game now. You know what? I'm going to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Then you tell about each other amongst yourselves, and that should loosen some tension. 

__

(PHIBES really does go to sleep.)

david

Well, I'm the youngest son, and I felt that I'm a little too much into the spotlight, I guess.

ethan

A little?

david

…and I think to cope with this, I just dig up someone and befriend him or her.

cary

…Okay, anyway, I'm supposed to be the oldest son, right? And I really think David's taken much of the attention away from the rest of us.

ellie

Well, I guess I'm a little prejudice, but I've helped myself with talent—

ethan

A little prejudice?

__

(PHIBES wakes up.)

phibes

(groggy)

Go on.

ellie

Anyway, I guess David and I live on a symbiotic relationship.

cary

More parasitic, really.

phibes

(not paying attention, looking at the clock)

Really. Do go on.

ethan

Well, I think this family can't really work together, because we put each other down all the time—I'm not afraid to admit it—that we have some serious demons to deal with.

kathleen

I kind of agree. I turned to this whole punk rock thing because everything was too dysfunctional to live in, you know? I guess it's an escape of some sort.

annie

Well, to be truthful… I hate you all. I really do. You all really set me off all the time. Especially my parents. One's too strict, and my dad has the capacity of a town drunk. Well, he is the town drunk. My brothers are just a bunch of immature idiots, and my sisters are either really arrogant or really weird, and—

ethel

My turn. I don't really feel that I am that strict, I'm just trying to bring the kids up right—

lawrence

(sarcastic)

And look at the wonderful results you produced!

phibes

Please, do go on. Oh, wait. On second thought, I've got a better idea… (keeps looking at his watch) Why don't you just tell each other in a non threatening matter how you feel about each other?

ellie

Okay… Look, Ethan… I think there's really a gap between us, and I think there's a gap between everyone.

ethan

What's your point? We all have gaps. Life is full of gaps. Gaps on train stations, gaps in stores, gaps in canyons, and yes, gaps in life.

ellie

And I think we should try to fill in the gap. 

lawrence

Good idea.

ellie

All of us.

ethan

And how do you suggest we do this?

ellie

Sticking to each other a little bit more, getting know each other more.

cary

We've been separated for seven years. I could write a book on how much good you don't know about me.

ethan

Too bad it's a work of fiction.

david

New suggestion. Stop insulting each other.

lawrence

Well, we've been insulting each together for years and years. Frankly, I've grown a tolerance to it.

annie

As you've grown a tolerance to drinking?

lawrence

So? At least I don't stumble on stage anymore when I take two drinks.

ethel

But that's the problem. You take more than two drinks.

phibes

Okay, Lawrence, then you have a drinking challenge.

cary

Problem.

phibes

I was trying to put it in a nicer way. Fine. Drinking problem. I suggest you get help. I know someplace where you can get self help every afternoon.

lawrence

I have places to go every afternoon.

phibes

Like where?

lawrence

A pub, a bar, someplace to drink…

phibes

See, that's the point. You need to quit drinking.

lawrence

Fine. I'll do it when it worsens.

ethel

Oh, stop making excuses and take Dr. Phibes' advice.

lawrence

Okay, okay, alright. I'll do it next week. 

david

There's something I can agree with.

kathleen

Okay, I think I need to have a say in this. The only reason that I'm… I'm…

cary

A freak?

ethan

A goth?

lawrence

A shut in?

annie

An outcast?

kathleen

--DIFFERENT… because it's that I was so mistreated as a child.

cary

Hey, join the club.

ethan

Don't think you're the only one. It's all of us. Well, except David.

david

Okay. So I was brought up a little better…

ethan

A little better? You slept in the mattress and we slept on the floor and fold out couch.

cary

And we had beds, but father said you could use any of them because the people who owned them aren't good enough.

david

Okay, so I was ignorant at that time.

kathleen

Exactly, so that's why I just became different, because I didn't want to be scarred for life. 

__

(A pause.)

phibes

Absolutely. 

david

I think this is really helping us.

lawrence

Well, we have to work on your stating the obvious. 

phibes

Lawrence, what's your opinion on the family?

lawrence

Okay. I think that this family's not doing as good as it should be. It's not living up to its potential. It has this great aura that's longing to get out.

phibes

Wow… that's…

ethel

Beautiful.

lawrence

Actually, I'm pretty drunk, I must've took some whiskey this morning. I'll tell you my real opinion in a minute. Give me some time to sober up.

ethel

Well, I'll tell you the problem with this family. It's that it lacks self confidence. A little self esteem could really help the family. And I think there's no better time than this crisis we're under.

phibes

Um… yeah, that's real good. 

ethan

Finally. Progress.

__

(Fade out.)

**** ****

SCENE XIV

__

(The scene opens in the PARK, a few simple benches strewn across the stage. There are trees and bushes to the side, and flowers protruding from some of them. On one bench sits ETHEL and LAWRENCE. The spotlights are faded. Under the tree sits ELLIE, JEFF and KATHLEEN. Over to their far right seats ETHAN, ANNIE, and CARY. Across from them, sits DAVID and JOEL in the bushes. There is dim lighting near the bushes. The tree is quite tall, but the leaves are visible. The lighting is not that dark, as there is a slight orange to the lighting. Despite being far away from each other, everyone is still visible to the audience. The sounds of crickets start to fill the air. The wind blows in the distance. The first light is on ETHEL and LAWRENCE. Everything else is quite dim. They remain silent for quite some time.

LAWRENCE clears his throat, and adjusts his position on the bench to sit back. ETHEL remains with her back straight, parallel the bench. She shows little sign of giving in. LAWRENCE stays silent for a while, and coughs. He clears his throat once more.)

lawrence

I think the therapy did us good. It certainly opened up a few topics.

ethel

Certainly has.

lawrence

Mmm.

ethel

Good day out today.

lawrence

Oh, yeah, there's no doubting that. So how is your life?

ethel

I think I'm manically depressed. 

(pause)

Well?

lawrence

Huh?

ethel

Aren't you going to make some kind of wisecrack to further the pain and suffering I've endured?

lawrence

Well, no. Granted, I'm not half as histrionic as you are.

ethel

I can't help it. I was born into theater.

lawrence

Which reminds me…

ethel

Hmm?

lawrence

Well, do you remember how we met?

ethel

Oh, of course, I've never forgotten. It was the senior high play…

lawrence

Ah yes. The lights were on…

ethel

And there was… you, reciting lines to yourself over and over again. Very nervous. 

lawrence

Romeo and Juliet, right?

ethel

Yes. I was Juliet, and you were…

lawrence

Romeo. I auditioned for the part of the rock, though. 

ethel

(playfully, with a giggle)

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo… where art thou, Romeo?"

lawrence

"I'm here!" That's what I almost yelled, but then I remember my lines.

__

(They share a laugh.)

ethel

Oh, I remember that.

__

(A pause.)

lawrence

Ah, where did it all go wrong? 

ethel

Hmm?

lawrence

Everything. We got married. I couldn't afford a good wedding though. It was before our professional days. I remember. Me in my T-shirt and Jeans, and you in your dress. We got married in the courts, but it felt like a Church. And then we started acting. That was the good old days.

ethel

It's all past us.

lawrence

Then we had our first born, second born, all the way up to the sixth… but I think we made our first mistake with Cary. I guess we were just into the business too much. One thing led to another, and then the drinking began.

ethel

It's a shame. Then, we just got more and more into business and just forgot. Didn't have the time.

lawrence

Oh, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a regular person than be working in front of the spotlights for a living.

__

(The spotlight fades out on them. The spotlight quickly switches to under the tree, where, as aforementioned, sits ELLIE, JEFF, and KATHLEEN.)

ellie

I think we're doing very well.

kathleen

Have we ever got together, Ell?

ellie

I don't think so. I had my school plays, my cheerleading, and all that stuff, and you…

kathleen

I was listening to music, experimenting to and with music. I had my circle of friends, and you had…

ellie

My ring of comrades.

jeff

Ugh. I hate catching up on old times.

kathleen

(re: Jeff)

Where'd you dig this one up?

ellie

We met at a basketball game. 

kathleen

How long ago was this?

jeff

Three years.

ellie

It's a lasting relationship.

__

(They nod. A pause.)

kathleen

…Why are we so different?

ellie

I don't know. But that's what makes us special. Diversity. I guess.

jeff

Works for me.

__

(After their short conversation, the scene shifts to ETHAN, ANNIE, and CARY.)

ethan

Seven years goes by that fast, huh?

annie

Apparently.

cary

But wait. I seem to remember you weren't always this vengeful, Annie.

annie

I don't know what you're talking about.

cary

I recall a girl who just wanted to dress up and have tea parties.

annie

Times change. I play soccer, I hate people now…

ethan

And it's their fault?

annie

Oh, of course not. It's my fault for not being accepting. But that's not my style and I live with it.

ethan

Don't you feel a tad bit unhappy like that?

annie

Sure. But it takes so little to hate and so much to love.

cary

So you're a soccer girl now.

ethan

I don't know. I'm not as hateful as you are. It's just that I feel very angry sometimes because I can't imagine, really, how I can survive in the family. It's too competitive for me. I mean, when mother dragged us to auditions, it's always bag the audition or die.

cary

Tough luck. You hate your parents, live with it, you do. You're afraid of competition, make the most of it. That's what I say. 

(pause)

You're a groupie for some rock band, and you're unhappily insecure, so be it, make the most of it… and… you're overshadowed by your cuter little brother…

ethan

So be it. Make the most of it. Or let it go. 

cary

(sucking it up)

Yeah. That's right.

annie

So this is about David, then. You're such a baby, Cary.

ethan

Don't think he's not detracting from your fame, Ann. Why aren't you a big movie star? Don't be a hypocrite. I admit it. He is probably better looking, and more marketable, but I make the most of it. I don't sit here and mope. I just move along. I don't hide it and criticize someone else who openly admits it. I just suck it up, hold my head up high, and just walk along. The world isn't a place for good Samaritans, just greediness. If there is a good soul out there, may God help him. In my experience, we're all guilty. And it's just how you deal with it. You either hide it, sit here and cry about it, get pointless vengeance or move on. Damn it, I'm moving on.

__

(Speechless, CARY and ANNIE put their heads down into their arms. After a few seconds, the spotlight moves over to DAVID and JOEL, sitting nearest the end of the stage. They are sitting between two tall patches of weeds. JOEL moves his hand absentmidedly among the weeds, and DAVID stares up.)

david

Are you just going to keep quiet like that for all this time?

joel

(not paying attention)

Huh?

david

You're always too quiet. Around my family, I mean. 

joel

I thought I explained this already.

david

Tell me what's wrong.

joel

Nothing.

david

Something's obviously bothering you. Now tell me what's bothering you.

joel

Look—have you ever had something you wanted to do, but someone already took it?

david

No. Not really.

joel

Well, I guess I still do want to act, but you know, overshadowed by you, and all—

david

No… no. Just because that I'm already in the business doesn't mean you can't break through. It's just about trying real hard. I never really wanted to act, but it's the only way I can stay independent. I want to pull out. I'm way ahead of it, I really want to be a doctor, not an actor. But I'm being involuntarily typecast, and I hate that. It really just ticks me off. I can't go on like this, so don't give up. 

joel

Oh… I don't know. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. 

david

That's okay. I don't either.

__

(The scene shifts over back to EHTEL and LAWRENCE, in the middle of a laugh.)

lawrence

See? Now this is why I've stuck with you for years and years. 

ethel

Well, I admit, I guess I should loosen up.

__

(They laugh and chuckle, until they stop for a moment. They look at each other. They move their heads toward each other, about to kiss, and RING! A cell phone rings, and they break away from their moment of romance. LAWRENCE answers his cell phone. He quickly changes his expression to surprise.)

lawrence

What? Homicide? When? Huh? Oh. Oh. Is he okay? He's at the house. I'll be right there. 

__

(LAWRENCE quickly closes his phone. He gets up and gathers his things. ETHEL looks at him, surprised.)

ethel

What is it?

lawrence

Get the kids. We have to get back to the summer house. Something's happened.

ethel

What happened?

__

(LAWRENCE starts to run.)

lawrence

I'll explain later!

__

(ETHEL gathers up the kids as we FADE OUT.)

****

SCENE XV

__

(The scene opens in TERRENCE'S ROOM of the Summer House. It consists of a bed, a few chairs, and TERRENCE on the bed, conscious and tired. Medical equipment rests on the side. The NEWMANS, the HAILEYS, WINSTON and ANTON sit next to him. LAWRENCE stirs a drink, and WINSTON prepares a tray of food as ANTON touches up the food.)

lawrence

So… what happened again?

terrence

I've explained to you on the phone.

lawrence

Tell me what happened.

terrence

Fine. I don't know everything that happened. But this morning I just felt a little dizzy. It was right before anyone left. Then, the next thing I knew I was bleeding on the back of my head and I passed out. I don't know why I didn't cry for help. My mouth felt like it shrunk or something.

lawrence

Mouth shrunken?

ethan

That'd be useful for something.

ellie

Ethan, quiet! Don't you know how serious this is? Someone attempted to murder grandfather.

david

That's really insensitive. 

ethan

Well, sorry, I'm not quite as fond of grandfather as you are.

jeff

Plain and simple. You did it.

david

Whoa. Let's not go there. It's my brother you're talking about.

cary

I don't know, I'm his brother, and I think he's quite capable. Then again, he probably doesn't have the upper body strength. 

ethan

Oh, shut up, Cary!

cary

Okay, okay. But it could be one of you Haileys.

joel

What?

cary

You heard me. You're trying to cheat us out of a family fortune!

lawrence

It could be anyone. We haven't established clues yet. 

anton

I'm going to make dinner.(voice 1) What? No, you're not. (voice 2) Oh, yes he's going to make dinner. (voice 3) Now you're all just too crazy for me…

__

(ANTON walks out.)

ethel

It could be him, you know. 

lawrence

Anton? He's a harmless schizophrenic. 

ethan

We have no idea what he's capable of.

winston

He may be the one who did it. I shall supervise him. Make sure nothing gets in the way.

__

(THEODORE and STEVEN walk in, and WINSTON exits.)

theodore

Oh, god, we just heard. We came over here as soon as we could. What happened?

kathleen

Grandfather got hit on the head and was almost bleeding to death if it weren't for Dudley.

steven

Dudley?

annie

The mailman.

steven

Oh. That's not very good.

ethan

Oh, please. You'd probably thrive on this kind of thing.

steven

Me?

theodore

Me?

ethan

Please. Don't lie to us. You both feed off publicity. You would kill to get something like this. 

lawrence

Boy's got a point there, Theo. What's happening?

theodore

Look, I do have the intention of turning this into a documentary, but I would not do something like this.

steven

Me neither. I don't want to show murder on national television.

annie

But you're a lawyer, Theodore! And a producer, Steven!

kathleen

Yes, you're practically murderers riding on the law. 

steven

That is such a stereotype.

ethan

Well, she's got a point! You had, you had… the motive, wanted to have a story. You had the opportunity, you were here all day… are you leading us to believe that you… you did NOT do this? He's sixty eight. Sixty eight years he's walked the Earth, sixty eight years he witnessed world events, and you have the guts to attempt to murder the old man?

theodore

I swear, it wasn't us.

steven

Well, it could be you…

theodore

I'm trying to defend you!

steven

I'm just saying it could be anybody in this house, right down to every chair, chandelier, couch, television--

lawrence

What?

steven

You heard me. Anyone could be guilty. Right down to every last person who has occupied this house. Anyone could have had a motive. Anyone could have tranquilized him then got someone to bludgeon him. Look, Larry thinks Terrence is a bad father.

lawrence

But I wouldn't kill him.

steven

Ethan thinks so too, Cary wants the family fortune, Ellie wants the family fortune, and want to keep it to themselves. There is no murder proofing on the will. The will has no names on it!

__

(Everyone pauses, and turns to TERRENCE.)

terrence

Alright, you caught me. I forgot one little detail. But I hid the will good, so I can write it in.

kathleen

Then where's the will?

terrence

I can't tell you that.

lawrence

Why not?

terrence

Because I'm not dead yet.

Ethel

Then how are we supposed to know where the will is after you're dead.

__

(A pause.)

terrence

Oh. Good point. 

steven

See? Now it's anyone's game. Someone knew that there were no names on that will. David and Joel are probably striving for more cash, because Dave's account was embezzled by none other than his parents anyway. You're all suspects, every single one of you.

lawrence

Well, aren't we FORGETTING, someone, like, oh, I don't know… YOU?

steven

I wouldn't be giving myself away!

annie

What if it's a front?

steven

It's not!

cary

Since when do we trust you?

steven

All I'm saying it could very well be anyone. It could've been an accident.

kathleen

Oh, sure, tranquilizers and getting hit over the head with a blunt object is an accident.

theodore

Alright, the detective's downstairs. 

lawrence

What?

theodore

He's questioning people.

steven

(overlapping Theodore)

It could be… it could be… Anton, it could be the weird pictures on the ceiling, it could be some maid or helper or butler—

lawrence

Butler?

all

Butler? Winston!

__

(LAWRENCE rushes out. Everyone is quite shocked.)

**** ****

SCENE XVI

__

(The scene opens in the dining room, where WINSTON is hurriedly packing his things. He leaves a NOTE on the table. He takes his brown suitcase under his arm and takes only an umbrella and an envelope with him. He whistles a happy tune as he walks over to the door. LAWRENCE calmly steps out of the shadows and reads the note.)

lawrence

You're quitting.

winston

Yes. 

lawrence

I was uh, wondering why you just quit to us.

winston

Well, I thought it was a tragic time so I just left a note.

lawrence

Yeah, um, what's that in your hand?

winston

Just my visas.

lawrence

You're going away? To Mexico? Exotic, and right out of reach.

winston

I'm taking a permanent vacation.

lawrence

Uh-huh. Give it up.

winston

What?

lawrence

You know what I mean.

winston

I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

lawrence

Oh, we both very well know you stole the will.

winston

That's just gibberish.

lawrence

It won't be gibberish when the detective finds out. I can tell him what I know. You had the motive, you were stepped on all these years, and it's time to get your final pay off. You had the opportunity. You deliver his food, you touch it up. You even taste test it. But not his time. It's tranquilizer. Then, you had the chance to kill the old man. But you blew it, and he's still alive. Now I want in.

winston

What? You're crazy!

lawrence

If you don't believe me, we can go down town and find out. Now let me in or they'll let you in prison for the rest of your life.

winston

(a long pause)

Okay, how much do you want?

lawrence

Fifty percent. 

winston

Ten.

lawrence

Forty five.

winston

Thirty.

lawrence

You got a deal.

winston

How am I supposed to know no one else will tell?

lawrence

I stole the security tape.

__

(LAWRENCE hands WINSTON a security tape. WINSTON looks at it and crushes it.)

winston

Deal. 

lawrence

Who else is in this? Who else is getting the payoff?

winston

Just me.

__

(Then, DETECTIVE MILLS runs into the room, drawing his gun. He flashes his badge. He puts it back into his pocket. He takes out some handcuffs with his left hand. Confused, WINSTON mumbles to himself.)

mills

Winston Malloy, you're under arrest for attempted homicide of one, Terrence Newman. Anything you say can and will be used against you—

winston

What's happening?

lawrence

Oh, I forgot to tell you… I'm wearing a wire. Whoops.

__

(MILLS continues to read the Miranda rights, so softly we cannot hear him. WINSTON starts shaking but can't get loose. He gives up.)

lawrence

Yeah, right, I'm taking thirty percent of the will. (picking up the envelope) I believe this belongs to the Newmans.

__

(Everyone rushes in. FADE OUT.)

****

SCENE XVII

__

(At black.)

narrator

As the family fortune had unfolded, Terrence Newman had added the family to his will. It came to a total of sixteen million dollars, from the profits and sales of the Newmans. The documentary had started production and soon, in preproduction, the show in which the Newmans had once starred in had taken on a new life. 

__

(Spotlight on ETHAN. He is in dress down casual, a hippie outfit, acoustic guitar in hand. As he picks a few notes, the Narrator continues…)

narrator

Ethan had finally gone on to join the peace corps briefly, pursuing an improved life.

__

(A man in a uniform comes in.)

man

We're shipping you back home at 0300 hours.

ethan

Good. I like to stay up.

__

(The spotlight fades, and switches to KATHLEEN, with a band. Behind her are a set of drums with the band logo "PERFECTIONIST".)

narrator

Kathleen had stopped being a wannabe rocker and started her own band, with an old friend as a manager.

__

(STEVEN walks in clapping his hands, leaving the audience to assume that this is after a performance.)

steven

That was amazing. Amazing performance out there.

kathleen

How'd it go quitting with Mitch and Murray?

steven

I just told them to buzz off and it worked. Hey, I'm managing the number one rock band in America, I'm not being a producer anymore.

kathleen

Which city are we going to next?

steven

Nowhere special.

kathleen

Mm'hmm… nowhere special… I like the sound of that.

__

(Fade out on KATHLEEN's spotlight over to DAVID, sitting in a chair. JOEL walks into the spotlight.)

narrator (vo)

David had soon withdrawn from the acting business in order to be the acting coach of his long time friend, Joel Hailey.

david

So how did it go?

joel

I think I just got my first audition.

david

That's great. Let's get pizza.

joel

You're buying?

david

Got to spend that million somehow.

joel

I though you had two.

david

Check your bank account. (pause) Happy birthday.

__

(We switch the spotlight over to ELLIE, sitting on a bench, where it seems to be the park. Next to her sits JEFF.)

narrator (vo)

Soon, Ellie and Jeff had mended their ways in the family. Ellie, from the day David withdrew, became one of the most revered young producers working in Hollywood.

ellie

I just finished reading the book. I think I'll make Catcher In The Rye a film… if it weren't for Salinger's will…

jeff

Great! Now, do you mind reading a few lines with me?

ellie

(as Jeff hands her a script) What a wonderful day it is.

jeff

It's a perfect day, and I have to tell you something. You're pretty much perfect. And I am ready for a commitment. 

ellie

You're saying…?

jeff

Marry me.

ellie

(stops reading)

My line's blank. (pause) Oh. Oh! Yes! Yes! I'll marry you!

__

(The spotlight fades, and goes to ANNIE, with applause in the background. She holds a trophy.)

narrator (vo)

Ann-Margaret Newman had gone to win several trophies, including the National Jr. High Soccer Player of the Year. She had overcome the odds, and through all this, got a little gold during the process.

annie

Wow, I'm so… surprised. The secret, I guess is lots and lots of hard work. I was very quiet at one point in my life, because mostly I was playing the game in my head and—no, I'm not delusional. I guess all the hard work pays off at sometime, but that doesn't slow me down. I'm still climbing, because my childhood wasn't a crystal stair.

__

(Wild applause. The spotlight changes to CARY.)

narrator

And Cary, the one who has been neglected all his life, finally did get a role on television, which eventually led to more success. 

__

(In front CARY is a man, with a clipboard in his hand.)

man

And for the record, here on Entertainment Weekly, where have you been living in the days of Perfection?

cary

…Under the American Spotlight, of course.

__

(Fade out.)

**** ****

SCENE XVIII

__

(At black.)

narrator

Tragedy then struck. As Theodore, the new caretaker of Terrence, had taken him to the family for a visit, it would be his last.

__

(FADE IN. TERRENCE, in a bed, is gasping. The family stands around him.)

terrence

I never really got to say what I wanted to say, but now it's too late. All I could do now is say that I'm not perfect. I've had my trials, my tribulations, my anguish, my pain, my suffering, my imperfections. I only hope that I'm forgiven. (then, with his last breath) I love you all. Thank you for making my life worthwile.

__

(TERRENCE then passes away right there. There is a moment of silence. LAWRENCE and THEODORE try to pick up the bed. After some reluctance, the children and ETHEL help carry the bed offstage.)

**** **** ****

SCENE XIX

__

(At black.)

narrator (vo)

As Terrence had gone, it had been a dark day. But in death, Terrence had saved the family. Lawrence had followed in his father's footsteps to tie up loose ends, anything he could do to comfort his father's passing…

__

(Fade in. We open in the dark, and ETHEL wanders in. She is surprised by the darkness.)

ethel

Hello?

__

(Suddenly, everything lights up to see a spectacular wave of colors and lights, with guests in neat rows in the back. They form an aisle with a red carpet running straight through it. On the end, the one facing the audience, is a stand to the side under an arch full of flowers. Around the aisle, the six Newman children stand from youngest to oldest, boys on one side and girls on the other. A picture of TERRENCE lays in the foreground. The man near the arch is none other than LAWRENCE, standing diagonally from a priest. THEODORE and STEVEN stand next to him as the best men. Everyone is dressed up, and wedding music starts playing.)

ethel

This… is…

lawrence

Shhh. Stand here and marry me again.

ethel

…Okay. You didn't have to do this.

lawrence

Oh, yes, yes I do have to do this. Start anew, that kind of thing. You may begin, father.

priest

We are gathered here today to celebrate the—

LAWRence

Skip ahead a little, father.

priest

Do you, Lawrence Newman, take Ethel Newman to be your lawfully wedded wife in this remarriage, to have and to hold, for richer and poorer, through sickness and in health, and till death do you part?

lawrence

Yes, yes—I do, I do.

priest

And do you, Ethel Newman, take Lawrence Newman to be your lawfully wedded husband in this remarriage, to have and to hold, for richer and poorer, through sickness and in health, and till death do you part?

ethel

I do.

priest

By the power invested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you… man and wife… again. You may now kiss the bride…

__

(They kiss. The kids come together and start to hug and congratulate each other in murmurs.)

narrator

And here ends the story. It could go and on, but it would not amuse, as there were no special coincidences that happened. They had done what most television families can't do. Get along. They did not dwindle on little imperfections, but came together as a family. For once, to the Newmans, it did not matter about your beliefs. Their criticisms diminished, and in a way, they did mature through tragedy and acceptance. Once a quarrelling group of has-beens had come to terms with each other. They have learned a lesson that rings true to everyone. It is to love each other through thick and thin, for it is family who sticks to you wherever you are. Even through death, they are still there. Friends come and go, but family stays indestructable, a bond which stays invincible, and even through the squabbles they always know love reigns forever. There was never a Newman empire. The Newman legacy was non existent. The Newman cult was never there… the only thing that ever existed was the Newman family. Look at it a different way, it was family. Family may have been business, but business was not family. Family is something far greater, something to pay more attention to. The Newmans eventually learned that family wasn't always business, because business was temporary. Family is forever.

__

Curtain

THE END

****


End file.
